A Fan Fiction Interview
I’ll bet Dr. Tiffany has more awards than your doctor. I don’t say that to put your doctor down, I’m just saying, the man has accolades. He’s been recognized by multiple peer and community organizations for his dedication to his clients, his community, and for his sweet dance moves.*
Ask around Aiken — those who know him take their kids to him. Those who take their kids to him swear by him. I even asked my mom, and she went on for like 10 minutes about how great the good Doc is.
But I’ve never met Dr. Tiffany. I’ve never had a doctor friend. So most, if not all, of what I understand to be true about the medical field I’ve learned from TV. From the field hospitals of Korea to the ERs of New York and Chicago, it’s fair to say the bulk of what I know about Doctors is, well, scripted. What would I even say to a Doctor, outside of a checkup? No idea. So I’ll let the Doctors I do know ask the questions, to see if we can all get to know Dr. Tiffany, Aiken’s Pediatric Extraordinaire.
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, asks: “Sully? Is that you Sully?”
No, it’s not. The name’s Tiffany. Dr. John Burton Tiffany.
Doogie Howser quips, “Freud said the two most important things are work and love. Do you agree?”
I’ve been married now for … I’d better get this right … 26 years. My wife, Paige Tiffany, is the Assistant District attorney. We have two boys, John and Thane. They are my greatest achievement, my family… fathering successful children.
Dr. McCoy, from the USS Enterprise posits, “Damn it John, I’m a doctor. You’re a doctor. What were you before you were a doctor?”
My first job — I was the Tennis Court Maintenance boy at Houndslake. I was 15. I was also a lifeguard. That’s where I discovered that I really like kids, teaching kids. It started with swim lessons. Kids haven’t created the problems in their bodies, so you can teach, you can help mold them to become better, more healthy people.
George Clooney, from ER in the 90’s queries, “I tend to drink, so I’m not the best role model. Who’s your role model?”
Paul Catalano, he’s a Pediatrician in Greenville, the Head of Residency.
Hawkeye, from MASH declares, “Insanity — that’s just a state of mind. How do you stay sane?”
I like to go to the gym, I’m happiest at home or at the gym. Or I’ll go on a long run. Especially after a bad day … delivering a bad diagnosis for a kid … recently there’s been a bit more of that …
Dr. Frasier Crane chimes in, “Sometimes I get scrambled eggs all over my face. What is a boy to do?”
My greatest challenge? Being P.C., managing a private practice. But I love the kids, the medicine — the health care field is always changing. My biggest weakness? Probably my serve on the tennis court.
Dr. Niles Crane, Frasier’s brother, adds, “All my life I’ve dreamed of one thing: the day I go into a library, go to the card catalog, and see my name under ‘mental illness.’ What’s on your bucket list?”
Europe. I’ve never been to Europe. I’d love to see the ‘big’ ones, Wimbledon, the French Open. Definitely more traveling. The furthest I’ve traveled so far is Haiti. I went as a Doctor, during Malaria season in a very rural area. I also want to spend as much time as I can with my wife … traveling.
Futurama’s Dr .John Zoidberg wants to know, “This ‘love’ thing intrigues me. Teach me to fake it?”
Love Advice? … Communication … yeah communication. And spending time with each other.
Dr. Bruce Banner, A.K.A. the Incredible Hulk, warns, “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. What gets your blood boiling?”
I wish I could fix the problems kids face. Good health is so important. That’s why I love teaching them about diet and exercise, making that a reality for kids who don’t have it.
Dr. Derek Shepherd, A.K.A McDreamy, from Grey’s Anatomy insists, “It’s a beautiful day to save lives. Do you concur?”
A year ago, a baby was brought in, he was very sick. It was a Saturday. And basically, well, the baby died. But, we revived him. And now, sure, the little boy still has struggles, but he’s … alive. It can get pretty scary, with very sick children, but that’s when your training kicks in.
30 Rock’s Dr. Leo Spaceman inquires, “My lab work is in the field of sleep research, mostly because I checked the wrong box on a form once. Any lab work horror stories?”
I once spent a summer counting tumors on rat lungs. It was medical research for MCG. It was awful.
And finally, Dr. John Dorian, from Scrubs, asks wistfully, “You smell like a father figure. What tugs on your heartstrings?”
Watching the kids grow up. To be there for their birth, then watching them grow, all the way through high school.
Upon uttering this final response, Dr. Tiffany and I both knew the interview was over. But our adventure — that was only beginning. George Clooney poured us all another round of his signature tequila then called in a few favors with the British government. Hawkeye finished his drink, flashed a devilish grin and raced outside to fire up the helicopter. Dr.McCoy followed. While Dr. Quinn tried, unsuccessfully, to sell a heart shaped necklace to McDreamy, I beat the Incredible Hulk in an arm wrestling match. Then all of us: me, Dr. Tiffany, George Clooney, Frasier and the gang, all flew to Europe, where we sat court side at Wimbledon. Also we met the Queen, who took us to Dr. House’s apartment so we could throw eggs at his windows. He knows why.
It was a pretty good day.
*Dr. Tiffany is the recipient of the Pediatric Resident Outstanding Teaching Award, Lily M. and G.D. Jackson Intern of the Year Award, the Greenville Hospital System Children’s Hospital Miracle Maker Award 2007 and 2008, Best of the Best Doctor by the Aiken Standard, and the Carly’s Rays of Hope Award. He was also the winner of Aiken’s Dancing with the Stars event in 2013.
